What I Don't Do

I do not sew.  I wish I did and I admire those that do.  I will tell you why I don't sew.  To begin with, my sixth grade Home Economics teacher (do they still even have that class?) spent an entire semester pursing her lips and sighing loudly through her nose down at me every time she had to come untangle my unsuccessful attempts at threading the sewing machine.  That was the year I became close friends with kid who had a rap sheet at the tender age of twelve.  He had skills in the area of threading, tying and rolling small bits of material... and hot wiring unattended vehicles.  Just what I needed every time I found myself in what my teacher so eloquently called, "a left handed mess."  It was the first time in my life that I found myself in a dead heat for last place - in of all things - a race to manufacture a drawstring bag.  I think I was scarred for life.
Therefore, I have tried to rid myself of this sewing scourge through the next three decades of my life.  Those attempts yielded a pair of clam diggers that did not close properly exposing the side of my hip and a tube skirt sans a kick pleat.  That skirt eventually was the cause of an unfortunate incident involving an icy sidewalk and quick, small, running steps during passing time as I rushed from one side to the other of my college campus.
So as I have just squeaked by another Halloween without having to fashion a costume that needed more than a sheet and scissors to be properly scary, I was sitting here enjoying a big breath of relief.  Then I made the mistake of thumbing through some of my favorite home magazines.  And darn it all, they're jam packed with all the most bedazzled and beautiful Christmas presents and decorations you ever did see!  And again, I allowed myself to become delusional as I started dreaming of beautiful table settings with sixteen different kinds of golden plates, advent calendars fully pocketed with glittered treasures, and wreaths complete with live cardinals.  However, I am slowly nearing a point in my life where the muddled projects and "great" ideas have started to overtake my storage areas and it's becoming more and more difficult to forget that I can't sew.  Not that many weeks ago, I finally put to rest what could have been a very striking grapevine wreath. It was supposed to be adorned with multicolored felt leaves and acorns.  Fusing was involved in the process, and somehow, I unknowingly fused one of the place mats that was in harm's way on my dining table, to a limp pile of carefully cut, felt, maple leaves.  I moved it aside and threw away my mistake pile (in the outdoor garbage... under the recycling), but hadn't given up on the idea that I could still make a go of it.  Soon enough, I found myself throwing out the dried up mums and sunken jack-o-lanterns from the front step, and at that point, I realized the wreath of beauty would have to wait until next year... or go in the kids' craft supply box.
So tonight I am willing myself to stay away from all ideas that involve more than hot glue and ribbons.  I can't get into too much trouble tying and gluing... can I?